Advice from Dr. Blingspice: New year, same old problems

Omicron isn’t the only plague ruining 2022: Coldplay fans, commitment issues and snarky comments from mothers are equally, if not more, malignant. 

Many things deserve to be abandoned in the past, but if Coldplay’s music, which probably should’ve been left in 2012, has somehow managed to creep into the present, bad habits are even more prone to be carried into the new year.

One thing that certainly hasn’t been abandoned is “Advice from Dr. Blingspice” where I — a self-proclaimed therapist who knows everything about everything — generously provide my input in other people’s business.

​​My crush is trying to get me into Coldplay, and I don’t have the heart to tell him that their music slaps on mute. What should I do?

Everyone is bound to have at least one flaw, and fortunately, being a Coldplay listener is sometimes a forgivable one. It takes a lot of courage for their fans to come out, and we can at least give credit to Chris Martin for “Clocks.” 

Your suffering should be their suffering. The most ideal thing to do is have them endure one of your questionable music choices and make it an “eye for an eye” situation. Everyone has at least one music artist they listen to that raises some eyebrows; these include Halsey, Bhad Bhabie and RuPaul, just to name a few. Play these for your crush, and if he stays, he’s a real trooper.

Alternatively, assuming your crush is someone sculpted by God, it’s possible to look past his Coldplay tendencies and pretend you love their songs. If you really want to sell the lie, make sure to do the one, two, step to “Viva La Vida.” Either you force your crush to listen to your terrible music taste too or you force-feed yourself Coldplay’s discography for the sake of love.

I’ve been seeing this guy for over a month, and we like each other. We spend almost every day together, but I’m not ready to be a girlfriend yet and kind of want to see other people. What should I do?

As a self-proclaimed therapist, it’s not only my job to give counsel but also to read people when they make mistakes. 

It’s okay to admit you have commitment issues as long as you disclose it early in the entanglement. However, if you’re leading the poor man on for an entire month, you should tell him your intentions sooner rather than later. We have more means of communicating than ever, it’s time for you to put them to use. While I endorse being sexy and mysterious, relationships are no place for ambiguity.

The only solution is to confront him about your end goal for the fling. If his intentions align with yours and he has commitment issues too, you’ve hit the jackpot. If he’s looking for your hand in marriage, it’s unfortunately time to bid farewell and get back on the dating apps.

I am going to see my long-distance boyfriend, and my parents made me promise not to sleep with him. Little do they know I already did months ago. My mom says I’d regret it because it was too soon. I don’t regret it. I do want to be able to talk to her about my relationship with him and be honest about that. Plus she picks apart every little thing about him that she dislikes. She says, “You could have done worse.” Like what? He’s my first boyfriend, and we’ve been dating for almost a year now.

There’s a lot to dissect, but luckily, my faux doctorate in Other People’s Business trained me for situations like this.

Mothers are skilled in snarky comments, so don’t take them to heart. Unless there’s a reason to dislike your long-distance boyfriend (e.g. he listens to Coldplay) you don’t need her validation to feel like your choice in men is tasteful. If there are redeeming qualities, she’ll eventually recognize them.

Snarks aside, you’re a college student with autonomy. Your parents should not be intruding on your sex life or concerned with whether or not you’ve slept with your boyfriend. Everyone’s a little nosy but there are boundaries; parents and sex is one of them. As NeNe Leakes once said, “It’s getting weird.” 

In an ideal world, we’d all be open books with our parents, but unfortunately, there are always topics you can’t talk to them about without their judgment looming over you. In your case, time will hopefully work in your favor and your mom will see the pros in your long-distance relationship. 

Emanuel Rodriguez is a junior offering advice on students’ most pressing questions. He is also the digital managing editor at the Daily Trojan.