Distance makes the heart grow fonder


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Love is different for everyone but distance does not have to define it. It might not work for everyone, but sometimes physical distance might just be what a relationship needs to grow and make it all the stronger. (Photo courtesy of Unsplash)

“Don’t get attached.”

Those were my mom’s words of choice when I first told her about my fledgling relationship, months before I was due to set off for college. It wasn’t the advice I had wanted to hear, but it was expected. At the start of my senior year of high school, I believed it was the worst time to get into a relationship. All I wanted to do at the end of my post-grad summer was be released from the shackles of my hometown and start fresh. Never bring your high school relationship to college — I heard that mantra repeated over and over again. Dating someone is hard enough already. As you move into an exciting but turbulent new chapter in your life, adding distance to a relationship from the previous chapter of your almost certainly spells out disaster. And, as one of my friends back home would say, you shouldn’t bring sand to the beach. Why be held back by the commitment of a relationship with an abundance of new people and experiences surrounding you?

But things changed when I met my person  — not to get all cheesy or anything. I found something that I didn’t want to let go of. The decision to go long-distance wasn’t a huge, looming decision for us; it felt like a natural progression. We went into it with a mindset that we might as well try. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. 

Fast forward to the present. I’ve just finished my first month at USC, 3,000 odd miles from both my hometown and my boyfriend, and I’ve never been happier. 

I won’t lie. Long-distance relationships can really, really suck sometimes. For one, separation takes a toll on you. When the time difference catches up to me, I’ve spent lonely nights contemplating just how far away Virginia really is. Sometimes, after a long day, all I really want to do is share a hug with him. It’s disheartening to look at a calendar and realize that we still have months of separation left. Not only that, but miscommunication is an all too easy trap to fall into. Conveying emotions is difficult enough as it is, but when relegated to solely online texting and calling platforms, small resentments can be left to fester and grow. 

But you can’t forget about the silver linings. There is a delicate, simple joy in gaining a real appreciation for your partner. Removing physical chemistry and intimacy strips a relationship down to its bare bones. It’s vulnerable and a little scary. You have to navigate new ways to connect with each other. It’s the little moments spent together that have meant the most to me. 

Whether it’s making playlists and group listening on Spotify while working, saving YouTube videos throughout the week to binge-watch together on the weekends, Venmo-ing each other dinner money for FaceTime date nights or even harvesting crops in our co-op Stardew Valley farm, I feel full in my relationship. After taking personality tests and BuzzFeed quizzes and reading in our two-person book club, my relationship feels like self-care. 

Psychology researchers at the University of Denver report that participants in long-distance relationships have an increased propensity towards “relationship adjustment, love for partner, fun with partner, and conversational quality” in comparison to those in close-proximity relationships. Time together is scarce, and therefore more valuable and enjoyable. And, being apart gives room for introspection: thinking about what you really want from a relationship and what kind of support you need. 

It’s really easy to view a long-distance relationship as simply a transition state — a temporary situation — but thinking of it in that way is damaging. A relationship shouldn’t be solely forward-thinking, but rather rooted in the present. 

The cautionary advice that initially made me wary of long-distance relationships simply hasn’t been applicable. I was warned that I would feel held back; instead, I feel grounded. Being in a completely new environment and surrounded by unknowns, it is so comforting to know that I have someone who encourages me, but also makes me feel safe. It’s wonderful to be able to share new experiences with one another, outside of the stifling bubble that university life can sometimes feel like for both of us. I don’t feel constrained; rather, I feel all the freer, carrying my safe place with me even if I’m alone across the country. My relationship makes me appreciate and relish all the new experiences surrounding me even more. 

I’ve learned that my life at college and my long-distance relationship don’t have to be mutually exclusive. They complement and even enhance each other. Being separated across the country isn’t the most desirable arrangement for a relationship, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m in a place that I adore, one that feels exciting and one where I am thriving, and I may be a little rosy — or perhaps blinded by love — but even 3,000 miles apart, I have never felt closer to anyone before.