First World Problems: Break up with your significant other
National Boyfriend’s Day just passed not too long ago, and as a victim of indecent PDA exposure, I’ve made an executive decision: It’s time for you and your significant other to break up.
I mean, “other” is in the name. Your partner’s lips are not meant, physically and spiritually, to be grafted onto yours. Every day, I desperately wish for there to be a bylaw in the Undergraduate Student Government constitution that mandates every overly-grabby couple allots a full Carol Folt-worth of space between their bodies at all times.
Many students get into relationships at the beginning of the school year, often in an attempt to fend off homesickness, the unwanted confessions of a summer fling-gone-awry and the false accusations that you had somehow given yourself an STI (because it’s so much better to have gotten it from the hottest flame in town… right?)
Around the two-month mark, every single single friend and roommate is bombarded with requests for advice from the post-nut clarity that campus couples begin feeling. I’ve been that person too often, so we are going to fast-track the process and save poor souls hours of pointless discourse. All jokes aside, it’s a perfect time of year to begin reevaluating the red flags we’ve been ignoring. Besides, who would want to bring a dud home for the holidays?
We’ve heard all types of excuses, ranging from “they’re just not photogenic” to “I actually find the way he ignores my texts hot because it means he’s living his life without being tied down by modern media.” Leave those behind. We can’t let mere talk like this stop us from letting real healing work its magic.
The first step is realizing that the person you are dating isn’t the one of your dreams. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of dating the idealized version of a person in your head. You continually disappoint yourself and get frustrated with your S.O. simply for not being who you thought they were, only because you’d rather knowingly date the wrong person than be alone.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve had multiple experiences with people that just make you feel worse about who you are the longer you spend with them. Don’t let their insecurities become your faults. Humans are hypocritical by nature — we’re programmed to be more sensitive to the things we hate the most about ourselves.
People who spent a large portion of their childhood being gaslighted (with fun things like Santa or generational trauma, for example) can have a hard time differentiating whether they are to fault for hurting the feelings of another person. However, it’s at times like these when you can utilize the “Triple I” rule. If your partner accuses you of hurting their feelings but they’ve also shown signs of being a big baby at times, instead of immediately apologizing, ask yourself: Is it due to ignorance, intention or inaction? If not, don’t apologize. Send them running to the parents or guardians that spoilt them beyond repair, without their matching half of the couple ring.
This is especially true if your priorities do not align with theirs! If there’s anything I saw this past Trojan Family Weekend, it’s that no one knows how to communicate with their “loved” ones, even after decades of renewed vows. As I failed my mission of becoming a stepmom to a fellow Trojan, everything became clear to me. The 5 Love Languages — a concept many white moms love and many white dads grapple with — teaches us that having a successful relationship takes understanding your partner’s needs and communicating yours to have a fulfilling exchange. It’s proof that a relationship is hard work, work you don’t have time for in your course schedule.
If you haven’t had a Jake Gyllenhaal to your Taylor Swift, it may be hard to empathize with the experience of loving someone who loves less than the sum of your parts. Every love begins with a vow, a promise to respect and cherish the things you care about, even if it means nothing to them. If people can do crazy things for love, why can’t they also do the simple things? They’re too focused on themselves under the guise of self-prioritization. People just don’t care or even try to understand. I believe in you! It’s time to break up with those crusty narcissists.
It’s crazy how the mustiest of people can be the most overbearing. And, with the way they want to care so badly about something, it doesn’t seem unfair to ask them to take a shower once in a while. Also, if your person does any of these things, it’s time to reevaluate: Littering. Saying slurs. Defending themselves after being called out for said things. Hating unhoused people. Crypto. Wearing suits on Mondays. Listening to Kanye or Marilyn Manson, even in an “ironic” manner. Not tipping. Crypto, again. Saying things like “Don’t take this in a bad way.”
Now, don’t take this in a bad way, but the one thing you might need to set you off on your journey of self-discovery may be to break up with the dead weight you call “Kevin” and I call “Ew.” However, if you’re willing to do the hard work and invest in your relationship, I guess you could take the advice in this article and give it a go if you so insist — as long as you keep a Folt-worth of space between you both.