Advice from Dr. Blingspice: Roommates acting up? Call animal control


A person sitting on the couch with a rain cloud above their head with chips on the seat, spilled chocolate milk on the ground and other messed with another person staring at them
(Megan Dang | Daily Trojan)

Picture this: You come home after a day of hard work to an unfamiliar mess in the kitchen. But you for sure didn’t make that. Who did? BAM! You remember you don’t live alone — there are other pigs in the sty.

We’re far enough into the semester to know whether your roommates are tolerable or not. But unfortunately, it’s not close enough to where you have little time left with them. If you’re living with them for the entire school year, you still have seven months left. 

No matter how terrible or disgusting they’ve made your home, Dr. Blingspice is here to help you survive the worst situations. If they don’t clean, have too much loud sex or chew with their mouth open, don’t worry. Dr. Blingspice can teach you ways to fix your roommates’ behavior.

I keep hearing moaning noises coming from my suitemate’s room while I’m trying to do work. It’s disgusting and distracting. Should I confront them about their sexual tendencies, or should I keep quiet?

Put something so unflattering and loud on the television that the roommate gets turned off and all sexual tension dissipates. If there’s one thing you can do, it is kill a vibe.

Your home should not be a brothel. While I’m an advocate for sexual liberation and expressing your urges, do your business in a place where no one can hear. There is no reason anyone should be immersed in a sexual experience they’re not a part of. If they’re grown enough to be engaging in these behaviors, they’re grown enough to know better.

If it bothers you enough, bang on the door and ruin their night the same way they are ruining yours. Imagine having coding homework due the next day and you’re subjected to your roommate’s animalistic behavior. 

Alternatively, slip an abstinence pamphlet under their door. There is no better way to correct behavior than embarrassment.

My roommate smacks and chews food with their mouth open. I’ve mentioned it before, but going into the fourth month, it’s really bothering me and grossing me out. I don’t want to be that person and come across as rude, but I can’t live with it anymore! What should I do?

The animalistic tendencies don’t stop. They are rampant across USC! These are not Trojans. They are Travelers. Call animal control.

No one should be able to see what you are eating. Imagine glancing over at your roommate and you spot their chewed-up food in their mouth. NO!

Tell them cordially to chew with their mouth closed and reiterate that you’re keeping their best interest in mind. It’s universally distasteful, and no one should be subjected to that. 

If they tell you they can’t chew with their mouth closed, tell them to start eating in their room or away from you. You should not be going crazy in the comfort of your own home.

My roommates refuse to clean or contribute in the apartment. They leave every mess they possibly can in the kitchen and won’t wipe a counter or sweep the floor. How do I tell them to clean up after themselves?

This trumps all of the roommate issues possible. Someone who does not clean up after themselves does not care about your physical or mental health.

You come back to what’s hopefully a clean home and find crumbs all over the counter and maybe even moldy food out. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Begin by arranging a house meeting to set cleaning standards; you can eliminate the need to call them dirty. However, if you feel the situation is too far gone to set up a meeting, you should confront them and remind them to clean up after themselves until they begin doing it.

If they never begin cleaning, it’s time for war. Put their dirty dishes in front of their door. Send blunt messages telling them to wipe down the counters. Eventually, your message will be clear and they’ll learn, even if it comes at the cost of a relationship with your roommate.

At the end of the day, your roommates aren’t meant to be your friends. They are just there to share a space and make the rent cheaper. Capitalism put you together, not friendship.

Emanuel Rodriguez is a senior offering advice on students’ most pressing questions. His column, “Advice from Dr. Blingspice,” runs every other Monday.