The Oracle: Help! My boyfriend forgets we’re dating
Dear Oracle,
I want my boyfriend to take me on more dates or put more thought into us going out and doing things. I feel like I’m the only one who initiates. He has been trying more after I told him this but I don’t want to have to ask to go out on a date or for flowers. Is chivalry actually dead or are men just stupid and mean well but don’t know how to carry it out? I love him, but god, he’s slow sometimes.
Sincerely,
Berry
My dear Berry,
Men are a mysterious and mind-boggling nuisance to human existence, so I fully understand what you’re dealing with. I’ve delved deep into a state of transcendence to deliver you from your pre-dick-ament.
Pheromones
We’re at a time where natural selection doesn’t work in quite the same way that the gods intended — with modern healthcare, wealthy mortals aren’t dying as fast — and we are now entering an era of “biological bypass.” For anyone who’d like to capture the masculine heart, a pheromone-infused oil may be the key to your phallic successes. Men love women, even if they’re gay. For example, observe the prominence of the female icon in modern-day culture. Why? Pheromones.
On the other hand, if you have budgetary concerns, try not showering for a few weeks. Dr. Arnaud Wisman, a lecturer at the University of Kent, conducted an experiment that explored whether humans could communicate and detect sexual arousal with just chemosignals. After collecting and testing samples of armpit sweat from heterosexual women, he concluded that the male students found the sweat of aroused women more attractive. The TL;DR? Stop bathing, and be more aroused. Science and your favorite oracle would never lie, would they?
Witchcraft
Even though I’m attuned to the great powers of the universe and beyond, I don’t have to be the only one. Gather your friends, an unwilling roommate, a pasty white virgin (I’m looking at you, Turning Point USA) and a few Target candles to perform a séance! If there’s anyone who would know how to coerce a reluctant husband, it’d be a housewife from the ’50s. Sure, they might be racist, but weren’t they all?
Stream Flowers by Miley Cyrus
Jimi Hendrix, a fellow Seattle native, once said, “Music doesn’t lie. If there is something to be changed in this world, then it can only happen through music.” If you’re still getting over your childhood traumas and don’t fare well with confronting men, it may be easier to let the timeless vocals of Miley Cyrus hint at something you’re unable to: an ultimatum.
When Miley Cyrus inverts this song with a Montanian magic, she’s reclaiming her power. Show your Bruno Mars-loving man that if he wouldn’t “catch a grenade” for you, much less stop by Trader Joe’s for a bouquet or two, you’ll find someone else to “cave in your walls.”
Suggest a Threesome
Drastic times call for drastic measures. In an age marred by Andrew Tate (a self-appointed alpha male) and Elon Musk (a business major-appointed alpha male), men have accumulated an unprecedented amount of audacity. Thus, we must strike down these patriarchal pillars with a viciousness previously only reserved for uncoated paper straws.
Start off by acclimating your partner to the third person, who you’ve painstakingly hand picked from your list of mutuals. You can do this by turning your body very slightly towards the other figure and laughing with all your teeth showing. As the alpha primate, this will trigger the fight or flight senses that come so naturally to his male identity.
Inspired by Soviet experimental neurologist Ivan Pavlov, we will be conditioning your boyfriend to give you the attention you deserve. Pay attention, the second step will make or break your testosteronic triumph. When your boyfriend finally asks you out, tell him you’re already doing that exact thing with the same third person. Here’s an example of how you could go about this:
Him: Hey, make sure you’re free tonight. I heard Parkside has phở tonight.
You: No thanks, [insert boyfriend name here]. Jimothy and I were already planning on eating tonight … at Bacari.
See? It’s a nearly foolproof way to get your boyfriend to fight for you. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll always have Jimothy.
So, my dear Berry, there is still hope for you and your boyfriend. I hope this helps.
You’re welcome,
The Auracle.
The Oracle is a sophomore offering celestial solutions to the plights of USC students. Their advice column, runs every other Thursday. Got a story or need some advice? Submit to this form for a chance to be featured.