If I were Pat Haden, if I were USC’s AD

Earlier this week, a buddy of mine alerted me to the fact that seven of the eight Pac-10 softball teams are in the preseason top 25.

My first reaction was not one of admiration, but of disappointment that there are eight softball teams in the Pac-10.

Then, I realized that if USC did have a softball team, we would probably be pretty good.

I’m talking perennial top-five good. To borrow a line from the Saturday Night Live skit, “Superfans,” “I’m not talkin’ about a one-peat, two-peat or even a three-peat. That’s right, I’m talkin’ a minimum eight-peat.”

Warm weather, athletic girls and softball go together like the NCAA, Ohio State and Cam Newton.

Knowing that our softball team would be instantly grabbing headlines (there are at least 20 Jennie Finches on campus), I thought that if I was appointed Athletic Director for a day, one of my first tasks would be to make softball a Division-I sport at USC provided that all parameters (Title IX, field space, etc.) were disregarded in the same way UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel disregards winning.

Then I got to thinking — with that clause, what else would I do?

I would name every Feb. 6 (or the following Monday if it falls on a weekend), Clay Polamalu Day on campus, in honor of the day that two of USC’s finest heads of hair clashed in the Super Bowl.

Every student would have to wear wigs of either puffy, curly black hair or long, flowing golden locks and everyone would get to class 15 minutes early, hoping to grab a front row seat.

I would install water fountains all over campus in the shape of Randy Johnson’s left arm, and every fifth day, the water would shoot 95 miles per hour out of his palm, and I wouldn’t tell anyone simply because it would be hilarious to watch people cautiously approach the fountain wondering if today would be the day.

Birds will quickly learn it is not a bird bath.

I would rename McDonald’s Swim Stadium, Krayzelburg’s Complex, in honor of former Trojan and four-time Olympic gold medalist Lenny Krayzelburg, simply so we could have the Krayzelburg Krazies.

I would confile:///Network/Servers/nexus.usc.edu/Volumes/Nexus%20Bravo/Work%20Folders/ashleymw/Desktop/images-2.jpegvince city officials to knock down the University Village, move the Natural History Museum there and replace the museum with a giant field all in one night.

This not only gives USC more field space to get even better at sports (is that possible?), but also provides a prime area for people to tailgate whenever it’s 75 degrees and sunny, especially on the three days leading up to gameday.

The Coliseum needs to get its intimidation factor back (it worked for the Seahawks).

I guess the only problem with that is the rowdy fans might open the San Andres Fault, but it’s got to happen eventually, so let’s just get it over with.

I would send a cease and desist letter to Washington State for futility and replace them with UNLV starting this year.

I would be able to do this because I would send Will Ferrell to the offices of the other nine athletic directors in the Pac-10, including Washington State, and by the end of his presentation they will unanimously agree with me.

Just in case, I will also send Joe Francis.

And since the Pac-10 screwed USC out of the weekender by putting the Cal game on a Thursday, the game at UNLV would replace it, and USC would play an away game at UNLV every year.

Yes, you read that right — we’d have a weekender in Vegas every year.

I would put lights on McAlister Field, so we could have nighttime women’s soccer games, because don’t tell me that wouldn’t be awesome.

More than 8,000 people turned up for the night game against UCLA this year, and even though it wouldn’t be in the Coliseum, McAlister would be packed if just one-third of those people showed up.

Every five years, I would pay a star high school basketball player who is destined to only play one year in college before going pro to come to USC and then give the team self-inflicted sanctions of postseason bans the following two years.

After all, everybody knows that the most exciting season of USC basketball was when O.J. Mayo was around.

I would put fireworks in the scoreboard at Dedeaux Field, because as a Chicago native and White Sox fan, there’s nothing cooler than fireworks coming out of the scoreboard after a home run.

Finally, I would commission a bronze statue of legendary USC water polo coach Jovan Vavic to be put outside Krayzelburg Complex, and every so often it would randomly yell something very nice at passersby, but in a terrifyingly thick Eastern European accent.

That would be the end of my long day as Athletic Director. I’d then hand the reins back over to Pat Haden, but not before I take care of one last bit of business.

Attend the first Division-I USC men’s soccer game, under the lights, this century.

“Spittin’ Sports” runs Fridays. To comment on this article email Kenny at [email protected] or visit dailytrojan.com.